Extrovert with Anxiety

I am an extrovert.

Always have been!

I am the type of extrovert that you can easily chat with within the first 5 minutes you meet me. I remember as a young child in elementary school my teachers would always pick me to be in the school plays or contents. It was pretty obvious in my little personality that I was not shy.

What a lot of people don’t realize is that extroverts can have anxiety as well. I have had anxiety since I can remember. Maybe, too young for anyone to have it. But I did, and I still do. As I am getting older my anxiety has been getting worse. I think I have always run away from it and now it is finally catching up to me.  The thing is that nobody will suspect I have it unless you really ” know”  me and even then I don’t ever talk about it.

Anxiety is ugly. So ugly I can spend days in bed trying to figure out what triggered it and trying to get rid of it at the same time. Anxiety, is tiring. No matter if I sleep more than 8 hours it is never enough.  Anxiety, takes me away from spending time with the people I love because I cannot bare to entertain anyone.

I have done a lot of research and it seems like I have high functioning anxiety. I can function well in life with anxiety. Therapy helps but its never enough. I have come to terms with it. I am good at life, and I shall just be as good with anxiety.  *Sigh* 

My Apa

It’s such a blessing to have my father on his 60th birthday! He was the first man I ever loved and respected. I know its cliché, but I also know that a lot of people are not fortunate enough to identify with that statement.

He has not been a perfect human being but I admire his tenacity to live and learn. Growing up, I remember thinking how old school and strict he was. Today I thank him for it every single day. If it wasn’t for him I would not know the value of working hard, appreciating your family, and earning what you work for.

My dad has a tremendous sense of humor. I like to think I got my sense of humor from him. He is a little history buff and very open about the modern world. I never expected him to become so modern but I think that is what 35 years plus living in the “norte” will do to someone. I love how awesome his bad words are which I know like the back of my hand ( Very proud of it too ) . He is still the greatest dancer I have ever danced with.

He is super cool and hip. He knows a lot about politics and sports. He likes to give people secret nicknames which is what I like to do as well. Happy birthday to a man who is admired, loved, and judged by many. My wish for us is to continue laughing at each other, our family , and the world.

Te quiero un chingo Apa.

Wild girl

Lauren Graham said it best….

The parts of a women, you’re either like the quietly suffering wife or the wild girl.

Thankfully I have a husband that is happy with me being wild. He has come to terms that I like to live a risky business kind of life. He usually laughs and calls me “crazy girl” If you ask me he’s the real MVP. I have been a “wild girl” ever since I can remember. I’m addicted to the thrill of the unknown and I love to make people laugh. 

I often live for the shocked faces or the I can’t believe she just did that. The truth is that I’ve lost friends for being so wild. I also have friends that can only take me in small doses.  They judge me and don’t really reach out to me because they are too conservative for me. (Trust me, I don’t take any offense.) 

I get it. Some people like a vanilla kind of life. I like rainbow.

All I ask is, don’t punish me for what comes natural to me. Don’t forget to say hello and check if I’m doing okay.  Don’t forget about all the “vanilla” events you invited me to and I attended with a happy face. 

Don’t forget that this wild girl loves you no matter what. I am the dark and I am the light you can always relate to.  I am the one person that will remind you of who you are when you’re lost. 

I am wild and free. 

Taken and loved.

Timeless and judged.

Happy.

Cry

Have you ever met a person that cries at anything and everything? 

I have. That person is me. 
Growing up I would get mad at myself for not being able to control my break downs. I wanted to be that girl that had a strong demeanor and showed no emotion.  But unfortunately I carry a sad soul.  A soul that is emphatically unapologetic.  

32 years later and I am okay with being a cry baby.  I cry when I read a sad or disturbing article. I cry when I watch something sad or happy on television. I cry when I hear an incredible story.  I cry because I have a sad soul and I have learned to appreciate it. 

With that being said it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy or depressed. It means that I am fine with showing emotion. I’m fine with letting people see my vulnerable side. I have nothing to hide or lose. 

I am me. 

Strong and  beautiful.

The Lord doesn’t make mistakes. 

Mother.

I am my mother’s daughter. She’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I know a lot of people that can’t say that. So I don’t take it lightly nor do I shy away from it.

I talk to my mom every single day sometimes twice a day. We talk about family, food, and funny things.  The “chisme” is the best part of the conversation.  We talk about our hopes and dreams. 

Yes, your mother still has hopes and dreams. 

We criticize how much weight we are gaining and blame our bad luck for it. If there is one thing about my mother you should know is that she believes in good and bad luck. She talks about my siblings and wishes them all the best luck in the world. 

My mom knows all my dirty laundry just as much as I know about hers. We laugh about all my ridiculous thoughts and crazy things I do.  I sometimes cry to her and she cries to me. We always agree to disagree about the modern world. 

She is my mother. My best friend. The eternal light that lives in me. 

I love you ama.

1985

brother.

Today is my little brothers birthday. He turns thirty years old. He’s the only brother I have along with two sisters.  My brother is giving, kind, and funny.

Today for his birthday  I have three wishes for him. I’m writing it here to send out the postive vibes to the world.

My first wish for him : is to accept that he is enough. He is enough for someone worth it. He is enough as a man. He is enough as a human being.

My second wish: I wish that this year he realizes that bad things do happen to good people. But just because it happens to them it doesn’t mean that it defines them. It doesn’t make you or brake you. It makes you stronger.

Third wish: I wish he knew how amazing he is. He just needs to believe it.

Xoxo 

Husband.

My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. I am not  exaggerating. When I first met him I knew instantly that I wanted to get to know him better. I had no idea in what way, I just knew I wanted to pick his brain apart. 

He has the sexiest voice I have ever heard. I wish he did radio so everyone can enjoy it as much as I do.  My “Bear” as I like to call him is a very eccentric introvert.  He loves GOD just as much as my mom does. He loves music, art, and reading. Not only does he love all of that but he lives for it. 

He’s very mysterious. Every single day with him feels like a mystery novel. There I am trying to figure what the hell is in his mind or what his next move will be. It’s freakin incredible. That shit keeps me on my toes.

The above is the first layer of his entity. I have to keep the rest to myself. 

I love him. 

married

I have been married for about 7 months now.  We moved to a new place about 3 months ago. We got a puppy to prepare us for parenthood. So many changes in so little time. Why haven’t I freaked out yet? Probably because my husband is cool, calm and collective. He really is, I am not making this up.

We do a lot of married things.

Date night on Fridays, usually to our favorite sushi spot.

We play with our puppy Bearclaw Winston.

Talk about our day. Binge watch different shows.

Love each other deeply. Disagree deeply.

Marriage. I have no idea what we are doing. It’s as beautiful as our first dance.